From time to time I find myself in a room with someone who knows it all. That person that knows everything about anything. A person who will generally eat up 80% of the space by talking without allowing the others to state their minds. This situation, always serves me as a reminder that I’ve been there myself so many times in the past. I knew it all, you had a topic: I definitely knew it better.

As a person, of course I am opinionated, who isn’t!? I had an opinion about everything, I still have sometimes. What made the difference, until now, was whether I was or was not expressing my opinion on a given matter. Still, that wasn’t my only issue in the past.

Being opinionated isn’t all that bad, if you know your stuff. For me there were also other problems that contributed to me not being capable of listening. For example I had a strong urge to prove myself, a very low self-esteem. That translated into me trying to impose my opinions and ideas on others. I had also the fear of missing out syndrome, coupled with my inexperience, made me act like a smartass. I was most of the time driven by fear, and it is the worst place from which one should make decisions. In 2013, I uncovered the first key change that I needed to do.

By luck, I came across the first book that opened my eyes and embarked me on my current journey. The name of that book was “7 Habits of Highly Effective People” by Stephen R. Covey. In this book, the fifth habit defined by the author is, “Seek First to Understand then to be Understood”. This habit had such a powerful impact on me, as I managed to figure out why was I struggling so much in the past. What was missing in my life and I didn’t know it.

But it was only a couple of years later when I really incorporated this habit. As I became an Agile Coach I needed to start listening more to what the people around me had to say. The most important and interesting thing was, that I needed to do that with no intention to answer. I had my only power, the power of influencing, so I needed to become more silent, to discover what people want and need, in order to identify common ground.

I tell you, when you start listening with intent, the door to co-creation opens, which in turn improves collaboration. Why is it so? Because people want to be heard and they want to be seen. Giving your best at listening without any predefined judgment or an end outcome in mind, will provide the environment where creativity thrives, and agility comes to existence.

A culture which asks you to fight for the right to speak, it is a toxic one. People should not need to fight for their time to speak in a conversation, it should be common sense that everyone gets equal chances to express themselves. That’s why it’s called a conversation and not a monologue.

When you don’t listen to your people, you show them that you do not care much about what they have to say. That you put no value on their knowledge. In return they will start feeling unappreciated, so they will stop. Instantly you become inconsiderate and disregarding. Once this is happening people will disconnect, disengage and distance themselves from you. Over time, this will only lead to no commitment, no accountability, poor quality and no results. It will become toxic!

Sometimes I still fail to listen, and I can clearly see that, as the people are phasing out, and I can tell you that it takes a lot of effort and work to bring them back again.

It is well known that "If you find yourself to be the smartest person in the room, search for another room!”. Probably one in which you should be let alone.

As a leader you must enable others to speak more than you do. This way you transform those people into partners, you transform them into owners of the journey you all embark. Be silent, listen more, listen with no intention to answer, you will start feeling the difference immediately, as eventually people will start listening to you as well.

Everyone can call themselves a leader, but not everyone can lead.