Aren’t we fooling ourselves? We are hiding, we are running from who we really are. We are afraid of not hurting by putting ourselves out. We are only humans, nobody wants to hurt, and nobody wants to feel afraid. These are not pleasant feelings, not at all, but what does it mean to be alive, then?

What would change if we would start being authentic for once? Be real? Be natural? Our true self. Finding authenticity in this world is quite rare, as everyone tries to protect themselves, and maybe they do it for a good reasons, maybe not.

My upbringing made me who I was for almost the entirety of my life, it is still influencing who I am today, but to a much lower extent. My self-esteem was shattered, inexistent, instead I developed an ego, stubbornness and a strong head. Due to my childhood experiences, I grew to loath conflict and I was fearing to show any signs of weakness. To date I still don’t love conflicts, but I can cope way better with them.

All these “qualities” made me lose who I really was, to the point I could no longer recognize myself. Over those years I have created multiple characters for the different social constructs I was part of. I was showing my true self to a very few, as I wanted to avoid being hurt at all cost, I was in constant fear.

Little by little I started to feel uncomfortable with me, as if something was off. I became more and more tired of this acting and keeping up with all my characters. I even got to the point where people got confused with me, as I was mixing up my characters. I felt so artificial, so fake, as due to the social conduct I had to behave in certain ways in certain groups, which was sometimes against my principles and values.

As I learned that I need to show vulnerability in order to establish trust, my situation became more and more painful. I had to get rid of all those characters which I’ve built over the years, start becoming real, and stop acting. This was my first step. A step which was so intimidating, so overwhelming, as I needed to state more what I really thought. I had to stay strong and true to my values, things which I violated before for so many years. Up to this point it was unthinkable for me to do such a thing, as I was frozen with fear. Of course, as a novice, I embarked on a steep learning curve. I needed to understand that stating one’s mind has to be done in a mindful manner. I had to learn to understand where the person in front of me is in rapport with me, but also where they are with their journey.

One thing I was never able to do in my life, and that is to lie. I grew up with things like “a lie has short legs” or with the fact that divinity will punish me if I lie. I was scared as hell to lie, as I was always afraid that the devil would take my soul for this. I realized that all that was a hoax, as going to hell required many years to pass for finding out my sentence. Instead, one thing I can tell you is that lying in real life gave me hell there and then. Living with a lie is not easy, you have to work hard for it, you have to maintain it, it is like a drug, the longer you take it the more you need. Once I found this out, it was easy to decide not to sin in such a way ever again.

But, I was still lying, I was lying all day long, continuously, I was lying to myself. I was denying myself to be real, to actually exist the way I was designed to exist. I started to see how artificial I was in my relations with others. I started to see how others were investing so much time in shaping their character which probably they did not believe in as well. I saw how I was not alone in battling this fight and wasting so much energy.

One morning, as every change comes to life after sleeping, I love sleeping a lot, I realize that I am spending most of my waking time at work, brilliant isn’t it!? With people I can not always choose to work with, and I can’t change. So why not make the best out of it!? I started with stopping acting, and started peeling the onion of my characters, one by one, trying to get to who I really am. I am not yet there, I still have challenges in being myself in certain situations, but I am on my way there.

I was so scared in doing all that, as the fear of hurting haunted me a lot in those first days. The first thing I had to do was to be more honest with myself and state my mind. I started to ask for what I needed and deserved to have. I saw that once this change happened, people started to open as well with me. They started appreciating having a real conversation with me. With no filter and no fear. It felt liberating. This approach of course does not always bring positive results with everyone, nor do I always manage to be real. Not everyone is ready to renounce playing an act, but with most of the people it was easy and enjoyable.

I am still puzzled how blind I was all this time for not realizing this. I was not ready, I know. Seeing people as people and not as professionals or resources was the biggest moment of change for me. We all have challenges, most of us have probably the same challenges, trying to juggle the best out of this life. We have needs and we have wants, why not talk about it. Avoiding these conversations will just increase the energy spent in interacting with one another, but also the frustration.

So why are we still pretending to be someone else? We are all people and we should see that. As a leader you should foster an environment where people spend no time and energy in acting around you. Their acting may tickle and flatter your ego, but it will waste your time and energy. Be authentic with your people, be open, increase your awareness and mindfulness. Still, your authenticity should not come at the expense of others. It is not at all alright for you to be disrespectful, impolite or inconsiderate under the pretence of being authentic, nothing gives anyone the right to treat other people in such a way. Keeping yourself true to healthy values and principles, this is what makes you authentic. Be consistent.

Everyone can call themselves a leader, but not everyone can lead.